Finding Yourself in the Middle of December

Have you ever had that feeling that there are some days when the world feels slightly out of reach. Where everyone else's experience seems different or at odds with your own?

This past month I had a couple of those days: a vague sense of being left out, unsupported, a bit put upon. A bit lonely and disconnected. It doesn’t happen often, but when it does, it can land with weight. At at this time of year, when the air carries its own pressure to be positive and sparkling, those moments can feel strangely amplified.

There’s a quiet cultural rule that says ‘don’t be a downer,’ don’t be the one who isn’t cheerfully festive, don’t admit you’d rather take a walk alone than open another bottle or watch another film. It’s easy to be labelled, or to label oneself, as a ‘bit of a misery’ rather than a human being with an interior weather system far more changeable—and frankly more interesting—than the seasons or the decorations around us.

As an older man, I grew up in a generation where vulnerability wasn’t just discouraged, it was actively avoided. Being silent, polite, and not ‘airing your business’ were the default settings. That silence had consequences. Sociologists have pointed out how these norms help explain why some men struggle to express vulnerability until it’s too late, with real-world costs that can’t be ignored.

The results are written in the data. Men over fifty carry some of the heaviest burdens of depression, anxiety, addiction and suicide risk. The Office for National Statistics and Samaritans have been showing this pattern for years, and it’s not because older men are inherently fragile. It’s because we were trained—quite effectively—not to say when we were hurting or given the space and tools to express these feelings.

We also lead the charts for heart disease, alcohol-related harm, and loneliness, with loneliness itself shown in large-scale analyses to increase mortality risk to levels comparable with well-known lifestyle hazards. Cardiologists and public health researchers have spent decades tracing how chronic stress drives inflammation, alters autonomic balance and increases cardiovascular risk. When you add long-term emotional strain, the picture becomes even sharper: the body remembers what the mind is told to bury.

Predictably, alcohol is never far away from any troubling statistic. NHS Digital’s latest reports show that men in mid to later life continue to account for the highest rates of alcohol-related hospital admissions. Again, this isn’t character failure—it’s a coping strategy learned in the absence of any better ones.

Our industry likes to call itself the ‘wellness industry.’ We talk about mobility, function, strength, biomechanics, and post videos of ourselves training, thriving, glowing. But there are also days—quiet, not fit for Instagram days, where the most any of us manage is doom-scrolling on YouTube and eating cereal in our pyjamas. Over the years, I’ve learned that sometimes this is not only understandable but appropriate. Sometimes today is simply a bad day and no number of motivational podcasts will shift it.

I’ve learned to try—just try—to have patience with my off-days. Not to dress it up. Not to bully myself with internal commentary. To ask for help when I need it, or accept it when it’s offered. Some days even trying feels as far away as the fridge, but I try anyway and that’s enough. Not perfect, not polished, but enough to keep me from the bottom of a glass or the waiting room of A&E. Enough to remind me that attention is a kind of medicine.

Christmas magnifies everything. I genuinely love it, but it can still be too much: too much noise, too much telly, too many social expectations, and for me, far too much cooking. Feeding a houseful of people can feel endless, and most of the pressure comes from expectations I’ve quietly set for myself. It’s a peculiar fatigue—the sort that comes from carrying emotional trays rather than physical ones.

But there’s something else I’ve learned, something genuinely useful: feeling low, withdrawn or overwhelmed is not a personal failing. Wanting some quiet is not a moral flaw and noticing a wobble in your own equilibrium is a moment of strength, not collapse. Researchers studying masculinity and mental health have long observed that when men allow themselves honest emotional expression, help-seeking becomes more possible, not less.

So if this time of year feels challenging for you, you’re not alone. If it doesn’t, you still have an opportunity: pay attention to the people who don’t shine quite as brightly in December as they do in June. Not everyone necessarily wants rescuing, some just need a little more space, a little less judgement, a quiet acknowledgment that not everything in life is meant for a picture. You responding to a simple “Have you got a minute?” text could be life-changing in ways no one ever admits.

Life is gloriously mixed on so many levels. Accepting that mix—the mess and the wonder, the clarity and the fog—can bring its own kind of strange, steadying peace.

If you or anyone you know need to talk to someone (UK)

None of these resources assume crisis, but are simply places where need is met and anonymity and gentleness are built in.

–Samaritans– 116 123, 24 hours a day
–Campaign Against Living Miserably (CALM)– 0800 58 58 58. https://www.thecalmzone.net
–Mind Infoline– 0300 123 3393 Mon-Fri 9am-6pm
–Age UK Silver Line– Offers friendship conversation and support to over 55s. 24/7 365 days a year
0800 470 8090 https://www.ageuk.org.uk/services/silverline/

For concerns about any immediate mental health issues call NHS 111

References and further reading

British Heart Foundation (2024)Stress and heart health. British Heart Foundation, London.
Available at:https://www.bhf.org.uk(Accessed: 9-12-25)

Connell, R.W. and Messerschmidt, J.W. (2005)‘Hegemonic masculinity: Rethinking the concept’,Gender & Society, 19(6), pp. 829–859.
https://doi.org/10.1177/0891243205278639

Holt-Lunstad, J., Smith, T.B., Baker, M., Harris, T. and Stephenson, D. (2015)‘Loneliness and social isolation as risk factors for mortality: A meta-analytic review’,Perspectives on Psychological Science, 10(2), pp. 227–237.
https://doi.org/10.1177/1745691614568352

NHS Digital (2024)Statistics on Alcohol, England 2023. NHS Digital, Leeds.
Available at:https://digital.nhs.uk (Accessed 2-12-25)

Office for National Statistics (2023)Suicides in England and Wales: 2022 registrations. ONS, London.
Available at:https://www.ons.gov.uk

Rozanski, A., Blumenthal, J.A. and Kaplan, J. (1999)‘Impact of psychological factors on the pathogenesis of cardiovascular disease and implications for therapy’,Circulation, 99(16), pp. 2192–2217.
https://doi.org/10.1161/01.CIR.99.16.2192

Samaritans (2023)Suicide statistics report: Latest figures. Samaritans, London.
Available at:https://www.samaritans.org (Accessed:09-12-2).

Seidler, Z.E., Dawes, A.J., Rice, S.M., Oliffe, J.L. and Dhillon, H.M. (2016)‘The role of masculinity in men’s help-seeking for depression: A systematic review’,Clinical Psychology Review, 49, pp. 106–118.
https://doi.org/10.1016/j.cpr.2016.09.002

Shiner, Michael & Scourfield, Jonathan & Fincham, Ben & Langer, Susanne, 2009. "When things fall apart: Gender and suicide across the life-course,"Social Science & Medicine, Elsevier, vol. 69(5), pages 738-746, September.

Steptoe, A. and Kivimäki, M. (2013)‘Stress and cardiovascular disease: An update on current knowledge’,Annual Review of Public Health, 34, pp. 337–354.
https://doi.org/10.1146/annurev-publhealth-031912-114452